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Is This Depression?

April 23, 2014

I’m going to get a little more real in the post than usual, be warned.

 

There’s been a whole bunch of bummer stuff going on our lives lately, too many to go into here, just suffice to say it’s loss, grief, injustice, frustration and just plain missing my son away at college.  Except for a child away at college, I’ve experienced all of these events before, just not all at the same general time.

 

Boo hoo, poor pitiful me, but that’s not really my point.  I know better than to evaluate things through this prism of downer-ism, but…

 

Have you ever woken up and realized you don’t like much about your life; that you’re not where you want to be in life?

 

I’m surrounded by wonderful family and friends, a great church, able to pay the bills and then some.  The important stuff is covered.  Yet, still, blah.  I have a new job that is really a great job, but I’m ambivalent about it.  While it’s not really what I want to do, I don’t honestly know what I want to do.  Yeah, sure, I’d love to be a full-time, successful novelist and screenwriter, but that’s not in the cards right now.  I don’t like my house but I do like my home.  I do enjoy the bits and pieces of my day, for example I do like freelancing, but put it all together and it’s too much.

 

Is this depression?  Not just feeling crummy, but having no direction to get out of it?  I’m not sad all the time (though I used to take the scenic route to get there and now there seems to be a grand highway straight there).  I’ve always been emotionally bland and uncomfortable with spirited emotion.  I don’t want to hurt myself or anything, so no alarm bells there. 

 

I seem resigned to life at the moment.  We’re in a holding pattern until Lynette’s out of school two years from now.  Two years sounds like a long time.   General maintenance of things, mowing the lawn, cleaning the pool, sweeping dog poop off the patio, cleaning the house…. All a burden.  Like I said, there are highlights; being with family, being with friends, writer’s group, eating until my stomach bursts…

 

So why am I writing this?  I dunno.  Beats working.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 26, 2014 9:39 am

    Hi, Rob. I can’t answer your question, but I’m glad you’ve asked it. It’s worth talking about with Lynette and the key people in your life, which I’m sure you’ve done. I do know, from experience, that grief does odd things, especially after the loss of a parent. And it’s never the same twice. It brings all sorts of things to the forefront that were merely simmering or even frozen-over before.

    Also, for me, turning 50 has done odd things too! I’m a little more blasé about chores and more passionate about wanting to know there is meaning and purpose in what I do, even though I know that some aspects of day-to-day life are unremarkable from an earthly perspective yet important for God’s glory.

    It’s good you’ve written out some of your feelings so you can sort through rather than ignore them. Harry and I will be praying for you!

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